Going back to work- It has been the hardest thing to think of. I think It will be harder than the 16 hr labor and csection I went through eight weeks ago. I have been so attached to him, so cozy with him that the thought of leaving breaks my heart more and more. Today I have been crying... Even though he thinks I'm playing with him because I'm trying to be strong and trying not to worry him. He knows when I am upset. I feel that now my life revolves around him. Around everything that he does, says or breathes. As I type I am watching him sleep and I cant think of being away from him 8-9 hrs a day. I just cant. I think Doctors should diagnose this as post partum depression. Do they even have a name for this? I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. I wish that the government can some how compensate for those companies that do not pay your pregnancy leave or put any money on your state disability. ugh. I wish that the economy wasnt so unstable so I can just stay home full time. But the world isn't perfect. I want to be able to provide everything for him. The best clothes, the best diapers, the best of me and that is not an option if I am not working. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to miss me, but at the same time I don't want him to hurt if i am not around. I want him to have me at all times. Gosh this sucks. I thought i'd be coping by writing about it, but its not working. I guess this too shall pass... Right? Tonight will be a night of prayers so that I don't break down at the wrong moment.
I love you baby boo.